I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
