I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
