I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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