I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
