im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
