My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
