Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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