Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
