it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
