I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize