he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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