Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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