I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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