What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
