This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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