May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
