I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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