Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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