see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
