Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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