Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she peed on how many people?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize