Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
