I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
