I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
