honey bunches of taint.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
