White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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