this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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