i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Randomize
