so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
