whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
