My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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