So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
