her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
