i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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