I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
