how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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