Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
