It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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