i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
