the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
