Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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