I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
