this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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