we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize