if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize