he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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