Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just invented taco cereal.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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