I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
