I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
