I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
