Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
