So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
