I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
