it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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