I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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