i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
