So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
this is an emotional support booty call
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
