He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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